Where do I start? Where I start when now I don’t know who I am? How do I ask for help when my world got brighter, and I was sharing the testimony of my victory only to face another battle?
I was doing well. I had been fighting a battle of low self esteem and self-worth for a long time. I beat it though and God changed my life. He gave me a new identity. Going from Hadassah to Esther is not easy but I felt good. I put things in place to help me when I’m feeling low, but I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to face the new challenge, the battle that was waiting for me around the corner. I saw a path of my life and although it wasn’t smooth, I felt like I could see where I was going.
Then it happened battle number two. The fight for my emotions. I had or I should say have a plant. I was given a cutting from another plant for me to grow it. I’ve always wanted a plant. I potted it and watered it. I spoke to the plant every day. I’m sure I heard somewhere that talking to plants helped them grow. (Ok you can laugh). My children thought I was mad, but they too started talking to the plant. Things were going ok. Just like my life was ok. I watered the plant and spoke to it every day. Just like I read my bible and spoke to God every day. The plant never changed but I continued to talk to it and water it. Then I had such a stressful few days I didn’t know if I was coming or going. The pressure was so intense I thought I was having a meltdown. I started to panic. What if I’ve fallen back to where I was before? Then in the middle of the panic I went to water my plant. I looked at it and it looked the same, but something had changed. I went though my phone to find a picture of the plant I had taken on the first day I potted it. I checked the picture then looked back at the plant and I saw it. There was a whole new shoot. Looking green and healthy. It then came to my mind to cross reference my life as I did with the plant. When I did that, I realised that I had not fallen back into my old way of reacting to pressure. I had handled the pressure. Although somethings have not changed on the surface there are new roots and new shoots being established in my life. Ok so now that’s dealt with I can tell people I’m ok and move on.
Then I was driving with my son and I saw a rainbow in the sky. The strange thing was there wasn’t any normal rainbow conditions. It hadn’t rained. It wasn’t sunny and it was almost like the rainbow saw coming out a cloud. My son said, “How is it even possible for there to be a rainbow without rain and sun.” I watched it and said, “I don’t know son.” Then it hit me. No matter what it looks like around you the promises of God are true. God will fulfil his promises even if the environment says otherwise.
Behold, I will do a new thing,
Now it shall spring forth;
Shall you not know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert.
Isaiah 43 vs 19
Then something happened that shook the very foundation of me. Who am I? I started to doubt myself, my ability as a mother, a friend, could I even be a wife, can I fulfil my duties. I felt like I was failing God again. My dysfunction was based on a lie. Did I even need to go through all I went through? I’m in pain.
My emotions are all in a mess. I stand still. God wash me whiter then snow. God cleanse me. My emotions have been thrown into the air. I’m standing on the mountain of life. My path was set. I saw it. It was twisting and turning but I saw it. My emotions fall like a blizzard they are blocking my vision I can’t see. God I’m in a panic again. Who am I? I’m lost. The path has gone. I start to walk, I’m in pain. What happened? My feet bleed. What happened? I put down some of my armor. My head is covered with the helmet of salvation, but I tucked my sword of the Spirit into my belt of truth. My heart is covered with the breastplate of righteousness, but my heart feels like it is failing. I have the shield of faith in my hand, but I lowered it. God, I love you. I won’t let go. God help my unbelief. I don’t want to fail you I’m not falling I’m dying. Forgive me God. I look down my feet they are bare. I wasn’t prepared I lost my peace. I stopped praying. I’m down to my basic one scripture a day that I now read as a habit as I’ve been doing it for the last 448 days. I’m shutting down. I’ve hit that point. The point where I’ve hit the limit of all I can take. I stopped taking care of my plant. I’ve stopped taking care of me. I feel so low. Time is passing and its all a blur. I don’t know how long I’ve been feeling this way. I don’t know anything anymore. I can’t deal with this. It’s all too much and then it happens. I shut off. I start to do everything I’m supposed to do but inside I’m dying. I didn’t ask for help because I just told them I was ok. So, I put on my fake smile on. Well I thought I did but my eyes are screaming, and my fake smile is slipping. I check my plant. The root has died. I didn’t take care of it. I stopped feeding it. I stopped talking with it. God help me. I put my head between my knees and start rolling. Rolling down this mountain. Through the blizzard of emotions. The snowball is getting bigger. Its growing by the second. I’m holding back the tears. They will turn the snow to ice. I don’t even know where I’m rolling to. I’m going faster and faster down and down and eventually I will die. I’m sure I will hit a rock on my way down and it will kill me. My vision is blocked so I can’t see. Then God speaks. God was not only there for Hadassah he was also there for Esther. He hasn’t left me. I’ve not fallen back. I open my eyes and I’m standing. I’m in the same place I was before. I didn’t go back but I’m still bleeding. I’ve put myself in an emotional cave in the side of my mountain and I’ve lost my voice. I am the mountain. This mountain is my emotions. This is battle number two the battle of my emotions. I must conquer this mountain. I’m so tired. I lay down face to the ground and I cry. Submission. I need to cry out.
But You, O Lord, are a shield for me,
My glory and the One who lifts up my head.
I cried to the Lord with my voice,
And He heard me from His holy hill
Psalms 3 vs 3 – 4
Then I see it. The base to the altar. I must build an altar here. My life is not my own. Whoever’s name is on the altar is who is worshipped in this place. He is EL ROI – The God Who Sees. He sees me where I am. He will never leave me or forsake me. I have always controlled my emotions. Now its time to hand them over. I am the sacrifice. Its time to lay it down. Battle number two is a lot.
My game face was good, but my foundation was dying. My journey over this mountain is based on receiving a revelation of who I am in Christ. I’m off to build an altar on a firm foundation. I need to find my sound again. I am Abba’s daughter that’s who I am. This is my journey.
